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smart went crazy

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(no subject) [May. 7th, 2011|01:29 am]
smart went crazy
I'm officially single. WOOOOO!!! Rachel and I are finally done. It took way too long, but it's over. It feels pretty good.

However, things turned confusing last night. A girl that I sort of dated last year called me up last night to hang out. We had some wine and went on an adventure. We ended up on the top of an abandoned building, then she told me that she still had feelings for me and that she missed us. We kissed and fooled around a little, and then it was getting way cold so I took us home.

This morning she broke up with her girlfriend.

We definitely had a good thing, the distance killed it though last time. She was in Austin and I was in Round Rock. Do I really wanna go straight from one relationship to another though? I don't think that's what I want, but it's certainly nice to have feelings that I haven't had in a while. She's a dead ringer for a feeling that I used to know.

Oh yeah, graduation is tomorrow. My dad is staying on the couch though, and that's already getting to me.
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(no subject) [Apr. 29th, 2011|01:52 pm]
smart went crazy
All that's left is finals. I realized today that I've gone through college without creating a single meaningful relationship. I place 100% of the blame on myself.

I've applied for tons of positions with Travis county. If nothing I can always sell my body to medical science.

I need to breakup with my girlfriend. There's nothing there anymore and if I'm to feel alone then I'd rather be alone.

Things are looking up!
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one more time with feeling [Mar. 21st, 2011|08:29 pm]
smart went crazy
I don't have much of an idea what to write, I just like I should.

I'm in the process of starting back work again at Home Depot. I wasn't planning on doing this, but since I'm planning on moving to Austin in June or July it seemed like a good idea. I will be able to transfer stores while I try and get a county job. Either way it's not a huge deal though, I'll be focusing on studying for my LSAT most of the time that I'm not working. People just look down upon squatting so much these days, I figured I'd need income for an apartment. Anyone looking for a roommate?

I'm so burnt out on school and cannot wait for May to roll around. I've got a ton of shit to do, but I am just so listless and lazy lately. Well mostly I just need to fix up my resume and finish my graduation announcements, nothing really too tough. I also got Pokemon White, which is really distracting.

My mom got married a couple of weeks ago. My sister and I drove out to Phoenix for the wedding, it was a long drive. I wish we could have spent more time in Phx. I hadn't seen my Mom in a year or two so I would have definitely liked to spend more time with her. I def got to spend some much needed time with the sis though, so that was pretty rad.

It's always apparent, but I often try to ignore the fact that I don't have my friends. I know a lot of people, but no one ever tends to really want to hang out with me. I don't understand why this is, I think I'm a pretty nice guy, and my close friends don't see a problem with me. I'd like to hang out with more people and make more friends, but I get shot down every time I ask someone to do something...so I dunno! I've always been bad at maintaining friendships, which I'd def like to work on, but I can't if no one will hang out haha.
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full pleat ahead! [Jan. 26th, 2011|09:52 am]
smart went crazy
[Feel me |bouncybouncy]

So having missed the OCS deadline once again, and just again realizing that my other option is law schoool. I've got a sort of plan!

Once I graduate I will move back to Austin where I will find a Travis county job, something like court clerk or similar. I will take an LSAT prep course during this time and prepare to take the LSAT. As soon as the dates are posted I will start getting the packet ready.

So by next November I will have the LSAT done, applied for OCS(assuming they don't cancel apps again this fall) and be ready to start applying to law schools. This way, come spring 2012, I will be going in a direction, either OCS or Law school.

From Law school I can still go direct officer commission route and start out even higher, or I can weasel my way into political work.

Finally having some semblance of a plan is nice. So many of my friends are still working in the service industry after graduating, with no plans of doing anything differently. I don't want to fall in to that trap. It's taken me an extra year to graduate (not counting time off) and I feel good knowing that it's not too late.

I've still got some negative influences in my life, but my Uncle has recently took a great interest in me and is encouraging me to be the best I can.

I'm still haunted by that girl who visits my dreams several times a week, I don't think I can do anything about that either way. That's just something I'm going to have to have to live with.
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The Calculation [Jan. 12th, 2011|05:12 pm]
smart went crazy
[Feel me |soresore]

I cannot explain the depth and consistency of these dreams. I'd almost like to just stop dreaming, because it's torture. The levels of happiness I feel in my dreams is overwhelmingly amazing, and then I wake up and realize it's not real.

I've begun asking myself several times during the day "Could I be dreaming?" I hope this will form a habit and maybe then I will be able to control my dreams away from that character. I love being that happy, but at the same time I hate having to wake up and realize I don't have that. Last night I recalled even going as far as telling her "I'm so glad I'm not dreaming this for once."

I'm pretty unhappy I guess in every other facet of life. My birthday is about a week away. My mom thought I was turning 24, my dad thought I was turning 26. I'm turning 25 and I feel like a total waste. Nothing is where it's supposed to be in my life, or at least the way I pictured it.

I'm dating a girl that I can barely stand most of the time, I think just to distract me from everything else, but it just makes me even more miserable.

I guess I might be joining the Coast Guard after graduation, I was planning on doing OCS but the recruiters are pretty terrible at answering any questions. I might just enlist I suppose. Other than that, I still have the option of building a giant tree-house in some forest somewhere. I'm going to throw out some resumes to places around Austin, like 3M and such.

Chris is having a birthday party for me in Austin on Saturday, that should be a fun distraction.

Twenty-five. Jesus Christ.
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robot of the year [Dec. 24th, 2010|02:40 am]
smart went crazy
I think I'm free, and then I realize my emancipation was never fully dispatched. I blame it on Winter. I blame it on the music, there is so much of it. I blame it on the books that I re-read, and the movies that I still love. As hard as I try to escape her, she shows up in my dreams. The dreams always follow the same course as the relationship that still stings so bad. The dream starts off great, gets very rocky, the smoke clears and the snow melts as things fit so well again, and then it just shatters and I have no idea why. If I could feel a fraction of the happiness I feel in my dreams when I'm with her, it'd all be okay.

The whole idea is hopeless. I've nothing left to play, and yet I'd give anything to be able to pick up an instrument. I always do my best to maintain that regret is a morbid waste of time, as the past cannot be changed..but when I did have a chance last summer to say something, to tell her how I really felt, and what I really needed to say and do, I didn't do it.

I feel an interminable pain of sorrow in my stomach. The only place that feeling dissipates is in the constant dreams that my mind subjects itself to. What good can these feelings possibly do. What logical reason can a mind subject itself to like this. Why do I still feel so empty, so many months and years later.
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Dance with Me [Apr. 1st, 2009|09:52 pm]
smart went crazy
I seriously can't stop listening to Paul Oakenfold's remix of "Rock Your Body." I just can't stop.
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(no subject) [Aug. 29th, 2008|11:30 am]
smart went crazy
School is crazy.

Work is boring, dear god it is so boring. It's almost not worth it, but the money is good.

I hope to go see Hamlet 2 today.

I wake up to loud r & b music everyday.

I'd be a lot more pissed if it didn't wake me up a couple minutes before my alarm was to go off anyway.

Everyone else is talking about Sarah Palin, I will too. I think the fact that she sued the interior department over its decision to list the polar bear as a threatened species is more than enough said.

For the record, things I love in a woman:

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(no subject) [Jul. 18th, 2008|08:30 pm]
smart went crazy
Someone in Politics says something true and he get's chastised and effectively let go for it.

Dear Americans,
You want the truth? You can't handle the truth, obviously.
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Mmm [May. 31st, 2008|05:26 pm]
smart went crazy
Last night was a horrible night gone awesome. I was s'posed to meet up and hang downtown last night with some people, but as soon as I parked and pulled out my phone it was frozen. I took out the batteyr put it back then it just wouldn't turn on. I got it on a couple times and it said "RESCUE MODE. TRACKING ON." that was kinda weird. I had fun though, Chris found me which was amazing on his part, we were trying to find him for a while with no success. We spent most of the night at Plush, Pure and Prague. Mmm just noticed a trend there.

So my phone is completely dead, which leaves me feeling very naked. I don't know a single number from my phone and so I have pretty much zero way to get a hold of anyone. Lame. I had like 9 text messages last night (at one point my phone was on for about 20 seconds before it froze.)

I've been scouring craigslist to find a phone i can use, just waiting on emails/phone calls about them.

Life is hard without a cell phone.

Saw "Son of Rambow" today with the family. That movie is completely awesome, totally worth seeing.
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